Early Morning Foulness

Can I quit? No? Well darn! I've got therapy this morning at 9, and I really.....really.....REALLY don't want to go. I'm exhausted, ill at ease, a little weepy...Okay, maybe I do need to go =/ It's 7:44am and therapy is at 9, so I've got a few things to take care of before then (Like showering...and brushing my teeth...and finding clothes that fit....and letting the puppies out to pee....One of which is standing right beside me with her nose up on the keyboard...). Great fun. I'd rather sit here all day and complain that I'm tired...
Mean thoughts: (And yes, I know this is coming way out of left field, please don't judge me too harshly). I woke up, took my husband to work ( =D Drove the sports car in my PJs... totally awesome!) and then came back to fetch breakfast. And I'm sure I'm not alone in the fact that I logged on to facebook while enjoying my cereal! Anyway, I noticed that my 'friend' (Long story...she's more like an enemy...I'm just going to leave it at that instead of boring you with the details of teenage squabbles) had posted a status update containing the phrase "I WILL be getting back in to shape this year!" and the first thing that popped into my head was?...I'm so ashamed....it's mean..."Shape? Round? You've never had a shape other than round! What do you mean 'Get back in to shape'?" Needless to say, I recognized the bitch horns had decided to start showing. Of COURSE I didn't actually type a response to her (I'm not heartless). And then I realized "Hey, that's a bit of an unbalanced thought there....check it." So now I'm sitting here breaking down the thought and what not like I was taught to do in...oh wait...therapy >_>. Anyway, what I've come up with so far is....I'm just jealous that shes younger than me and has a kid. The more balanced thought: Everyone has a right to try and get in shape. Stop being a biatch =P

I really should get off the internet...hrmmm.....

Later!! x~Jessica

RAWR -or- Sunday Aggravation

Several hours back, my husband left to go watch the new Batman movie with friends. I decided to not go, thinking he'd be back shortly to spend the rest of the day with me (Our usual Sunday tradition). I thought 'Hey, you had a BPD breakdown yesterday, why not let the fella go out and have a guys night?!'. Turns out, after the movie (which was the ONLY thing we agreed he was to do) James and his friends went to eat. And NOW, instead of spending time with me, he's bringing his friends back HERE to play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm so irritated. I want to start screaming and throw a tantrum because things aren't going my way and I'm feeling neglected. I'll end up spending the rest of the night upstairs in the bedroom just so I don't lose what little self control I have. I don't understand why I'm reacting to strongly to this situation, but I am...

You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Weeee!

So...it's one of those mornings where I'm finding it very difficult to bounce back from a depressed state of mind. I have no reason to be upset (Other than the fact that my camera broke yesterday and I can't afford a replacement). My husband took me out to an amazing restaurant last night (Ted's Montana Grill); We had an amazing meal and ended up laughing a lot. But for some reason, I'm in a deep blue funk today and can't seem to get myself feeling better. I've got my DBT skills book beside me and homework from the therapist to do, but along with the depression comes the inability to focus on much of anything. AAAAAAAAAAAA! I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out!

Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.

It's taken me long enough...

But I'm finally starting to feel real. 21 years old and just starting that whole 'self-discovery' thing. Part of my diagnosis with BPD is lacking the knowledge of self, and feeling rather unworthy. And I'm combating that, finally, after several months of treatment.

It's alright to just be "okay"

Well, I lost my battle today, but not the war! I had a mini-manic episode where I threw shoes and my husbands hat around, snarling and huffing out the harshest argument I could come up with. The entire thing started over his double-standards when it comes to our budget. Instead of my usual, several hours long break-down, today it was condensed into a 45 minute burst of anger. It stopped when my husband went upstairs, crawling into the bed for a nap...and I ended up crawling into his arms for an hour. Afterwards, I did the sensible, yet selfish, thing; instead of letting him 'win', I dug out my spare change, went to the bank, got my money and spent it on myself. That's right. I was selfish for once and I love myself all the more for it.

I digress (just a little); for therapy, I was asked to come up with a 'happy list'. Things to do that help me avoid manic or depressive states. On this list, Subway is pretty high up there, because I can eat it and feel very little guilt about what I'm putting in my body. So I wanted to go treat myself today..

All of this, though, is okay. I remembered my wonderful DBT skills (Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder By Linehan, Marsha M.), got myself into a better state of mind, and now I'm going to finish out my day. I plan on running to the store to pick up some tanning lotion, shave me legs and then go on to the pool and lay out in the sun until the hubs joins me after work for a quick swim before dinner!

P.S. To ANYONE reading this who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies By Elliott, Charles H./ Smith, Laura L., Ph.D.), always remember one key thing: Just because you feel those strong emotions doesn't mean you have to act on them =) I know it's hard...and I failed a little today, but that's alright! One day at a time. Just. One. Never more than that!

Yuck

So today I wanted to share this with you. See that disaster? That is all the laundry that I've left un-done for the past several weeks. My 'give-a-damn' was jammed in the off position, but with some help from both my husband and my therapist, I've managed to switch it back on. So today I'm going to spend the day curled up on the couch, watching Doctor Who between loads of ...that...evil mess.

I'd also like to inform the general reading public that I finally had a manic-break down this morning after not being able to fall asleep. 48 hours of being awake sorta sucks and I finally lost my temper and started punching the wall. It took a good 45 minutes for me to reign myself back in. And of course my being awake a fussy effected the hubs..my noise, tossing and turning and general bad mood woke him. And in the end, karma bit my in the rump; Something, and I'm almost certain it was my birth-control, made me sick to my stomach. I'll just say...that I ended up hugging the toilet and leave it at that. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep AFTER James left for work, and not getting out of the bed until he came back on lunch-break. Ugh. Now I'm up, on my feet and feeling much better!

Beware of time jumps and randomness...

Because this post is going to be full of them. It's going to be VERY disjointed...and I'm sorry for that.

It's around 3:09 pm...and I'm back at the computer. Yet again, I found myself on facebook, going over everything that had been posted over the last little bit of time. And during my little jaunt onto my favorite social-networking site, I decided to update my status. In the densely worded update, I informed my 160 friends/family that I'm currently feeling guilty over not having a job, and that I wish to become employed again. The cold hard fact though is that I will be unsuccessful; I need a part-time employer that is willing to work around my hectic therapy schedule. I'm currently on suicide-watch (No shutting myself in the bathroom, therapy every week, having to be medicated by my husband because I can't be trusted with pills) and that makes this even harder. I'm starting to stress as we speak and my mood is taking a nose dive. Luckily, with the skills I've been learning in therapy, I haven't yet reached a manic state, nor have I lost control and started bawling/self-harming. I WISH I could find a job that would allow me to work from home. That..in itself, would be the most ideal. AAAAAAA! I feel like ripping my hair out. And the thing is...I don't HAVE to work. My husband would like for me to get a job, and it would help a great deal, but his pay supports us very easily. And I'd only be working for a year (My husband and I plan on having a baby next year, and I'll be a stay at home mom). 

Now that I've sat here and vented, I think it's time I get back to cleaning...I haven't even finished tidying up, let alone starting the laundry. It's going to be a LONG night for me. I'm sure to work on this post again later, perhaps after dinner or if/when I start losing control. 

3:33 pm...Guess what? I told you I was going to leave my computer, and I haven't. Yeesh! I've started looking up "AdSense" and whatnot, and I'm seriously thinking about using it (Eventually). I'm also sitting here gazing at one of the cutest faces in the world (Xaphan, who is flopped at my feet, napping the day away).