You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Just...What?

Life is really enjoying slinging curve balls at me. I've been pretty unstable as far as BPD episodes go over the past few days, and then i get a call last night from home (Oh joy...) that my cousins have been taken away from their parents because...dundundun...their parents have been arrested. I won't go in to the long list of charges (Oh yea, it's that bad). Now, my 14 year old cousin is posting all over facebook about it, begging for money (Her dads bond is 100,000, her moms is 25,000) and putting up their mugshots. Oh dear lord. What a mess. No one knows who is going to get custody of the kids (I'm voting foster care, because that would be the BEST option), and my Grandparents are so stressed out that it's making them ill.

So...that's bad news, three weeks in a row. The good news? Today was my husbands re-enlistment. He was able to have the ceremony in front of the 'first-heli' squadron, in their hanger. And then...cake. Nom! That's six more years of military life! And, because my camera broke, my husband made a deal with me; I can have a new camera, if he can get a new quad-copter. Woot! Now I just need to decide what camera to get...

That's pretty much all I have to talk about right now as far as personal life goes...Hm...I feel like I didn't say very much at all!

Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.

It's taken me long enough...

But I'm finally starting to feel real. 21 years old and just starting that whole 'self-discovery' thing. Part of my diagnosis with BPD is lacking the knowledge of self, and feeling rather unworthy. And I'm combating that, finally, after several months of treatment.

Yuck

So today I wanted to share this with you. See that disaster? That is all the laundry that I've left un-done for the past several weeks. My 'give-a-damn' was jammed in the off position, but with some help from both my husband and my therapist, I've managed to switch it back on. So today I'm going to spend the day curled up on the couch, watching Doctor Who between loads of ...that...evil mess.

I'd also like to inform the general reading public that I finally had a manic-break down this morning after not being able to fall asleep. 48 hours of being awake sorta sucks and I finally lost my temper and started punching the wall. It took a good 45 minutes for me to reign myself back in. And of course my being awake a fussy effected the hubs..my noise, tossing and turning and general bad mood woke him. And in the end, karma bit my in the rump; Something, and I'm almost certain it was my birth-control, made me sick to my stomach. I'll just say...that I ended up hugging the toilet and leave it at that. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep AFTER James left for work, and not getting out of the bed until he came back on lunch-break. Ugh. Now I'm up, on my feet and feeling much better!

The Time Gap!

It's been quite a while since the last time I posted here. A few months, actually. And I'd fill you in RIGHT NOW on everything that has been going on, but that would take quite a while, and I'd have nothing to write about later!

 I started a Wordpress blog yesterday, and after a bit of research, I've decided it was more worth my time to come back to blogspot, so here I am, sitting at my kitchen table, writing for the rest of the world to see! My goal is to now write everyday, even multiple times a day to touch base on my day to day life, recipes that I've prepared (reviews on said noms and pictures), and...other stuff. Yea. Other stuff.

Anyway, here are a few things I feel like you need to know: We now have a second fur-baby: Another German Shepherd by the name of Xaphan. He is five months old, and our sweet Leia is now 9 months old. Also, I've been going to therapy...so you'll be hearing a lot about that and the things that I learn while in 'treatment'. I'm also going to try and post a little about fitness, nutrition and the things I learn while trying to undergo some major weightloss and a life-transition.

Love & Hate

Yesterday sucked. I’ve quite possibly got pneumonia, and my husband comes home from work and what do we do? Automatically start bickering. This exploded into a huge fight…and ended up with both of us in tears. After things settled down and we went to sleep for the night (We did not and will not talk about yesterday), he mumbled “Can you hold me?” So I did, until he fell asleep. After that, I rolled over to read my kindle…and next thing I know, he’s got both arms around me and his head on my boobs. What a dork. We might hate each other some days…but we’ll always love each other. 

Today Is the Day

Day 1 (30 Day Challenge)

My names is Jessica. Jessa, Jess or Jessie for short.
I’m 20 years old and recently married.
I’ve got an adorable german shepherd puppy named Leia.
I don’t like where I’m living currently and can’t wait to move. 
I recently put myself on a diet & started to exercise.
I’m a anti-social book worm who likes to play video games.
I also enjoy writing letters and have several penpals =) 

Alright, so now to tell you....that I got up and did another round of "Couch to 5k". And I hate to say it, but I almost didn't make it =( I think I might drop having 'down days'. I know that's not healthy, but I feel like my lungs need to be worked every day, if that makes any sense. I have NO idea what my weight currently is, though I plan on going to the gym with my husband soon just to find out (Or maybe the doctors office...). Anyway, today was a pretty level kind of day. I have a few things to take care of today; Leia has an appointment at the vets office, the floors need sweeping & the up stairs bathroom needs to be cleaned. After that (And dinner later on) I plan on doing a wholeeee bunch of nothing. 

The Talk

I don't know why it is, but any time my husband and I have serious topics that need to be discussed, we head for the shower. I guess it's because we're so much calmer, and it's pretty hard to get mad at someone when you're butt ass naked with them.
    I've been wanting to talk to my husband about something pretty important to me, so when he decided to get into the shower after work yesterday, I climbed in after him, picking my words carefully. When I asked "What do you think about me being a firefighter in the future?", he did not hesitate. James told me that he both likes and dislikes the idea. Dislike, because it's a dangerous job, we'd not be round each other that much anymore, and he'd have to step up and help with the house work. Because I'd have the more physically demanding job, he'd probably end up doing MOST of it. He did say that the extra income would be nice to have, though. We mulled things over for a while before I asked the next question; "Do you like my being a housewife?". The look on his face was priceless. It was one of those moments where he thought it was a loaded question, where I ask one thing but it really means something else. I started laughing and told him to just answer honestly, the question is what it is and I was just looking for his opinion. He loves having a housewife. he can come home after work and sit on the couch, doing practically nothing. He's spoiled, pampered and likes knowing that everything is taken care of. After telling me all of this though, he voiced one more statement on both topics; "You do what makes you happy. That's all I want. You. Happy."

     So now I'm at a loss. I WANT to be a firefighter/emt. I have for years, ever since the military denied my contract. I have so much ambition and drive....but at the same time I've got to take my husbands wants and needs into consideration. The fact that we're a military family also has to come into play. I want children soon...And I think the base fire departments are all military run. There are SO many factors that come in to play with this. I think I'm going to go to the "Airman and Family Readiness Center" and see what they might be able to help me with. If ANYONE knows the answer to the bold/underlined question, can you PLEASE send me an email at unholyxombie@gmail.com ? 

Fail!

Last night, my husband and I ran our friends off so that we could spend the rest of the evening cleaning up the house. We climbed into bed a little before 9pm and lay here watching movies and playing video games. Well, I was pretty sleepy....or so I thought. T_T I didn't fall asleep into almost 5 this morning, even with only getting around 5 hours of sleep the night before. GAH! So of course I didn't get out of the bed until almost two this afternoon, which means I won't be sleeping again tonight. I might as well take down a few energy drinks and stay up for twenty four hours.

In other news, as I was leaving to go do another day of "Couch to 5k", the UPS man pulls onto our street. I froze; cue the instant deer in the headlights look. He pulls around in front of our house...and stops! So I took off at a dead run for the house. And sure enough, there it was, perfectly balanced on top of the trash can lid...The Kindle Touch that my husband ordered for me as a Christmas present. Oh my god I could scream in delight. So I took the package inside and put it down on the coffee table...because of course, I've been forbidden to open it until Christmas, but STILL! It's HERE! After spending a few minutes squealing in absolute delight, I locked the house back up and took the pup out for exercise....and found that today didn't take as much of a toll on my body. After one day? Really? It must just be my state of mind. I feel GREAT right now, though!

This means that tomorrow is a down day, and that actually makes me a little

sad =( 

On the first half of our little jaunt, Leia and I were stopped by two guys that work for the base's Housing Maintenance. They inquired about my puppy, asking about the breed (even though it's painfully obvious), wanted to know if she was full blooded (I almost said Pure Blood....too much Harry Potter for me...), and how much we paid for her. Then they cooed over the puppy. She ate up the attention like she's starving for it.

Dear Husband

I am your wife, not your mother. It is not my job to clean up after you. Yes, I'm a stay at home wife, but that does not mean you are allowed to leave trash all over the place. It's not alright to leave the back door wide open so that the puppy can come and go as she please. You need to stop falling asleep on the couch with said door flung wide open. We've had this conversation repeatedly, and every time you say "I'm trying" but I don't see it. I'm not picking up after you anymore. Not your dirty clothes that you leave all over the place, or the trash. I am not, and will not touch another mess that you make. I love you, but sometimes I want to strangle you.

=O Well Hello Again, Forgotten Blog!

Disclaimer: Any pictures used here are NOT mine. They belong to the game Runescape, run by Jagex

For this, I am sorry...I'll try to run a better blog, I swear!

So...today, my husband bought himself Saints Row 3 and a remote controlled helicopter....
So in return, I asked for one thing.
My bamboo drawing tablet, for the computer.
And guess what?
He got it!!!

Now all I need is talent, because I really can't draw worth a damn.

Up until this point, I've been trying to run two separate blogs....One for personal stuff, and one for my gaming addiction & alternate persona. I haven't been doing well, trying to juggle things. So, I've decided to mash both blogs together! =D 

This makes for a happy me! 

Anyway, that's about all I have to say right now...the husband & puppy are heading to bed, so I guess that means I have to go too!