Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.