Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.

A Dose of Fail

-_- So....Let me recap this week quickly. I've been sick. Went to the ER and was diagnosed with having a BAD virus running rampant in my body. The doctor gave me five different medications, all of which require being taken multiple times a day, spaced out properly to avoid overdose and to keep the medicine in me constantly. This means....sleep even though the drugs are making me tired! Tap in with James and I being at each others throats almost every day. This came to a head last night. We were screaming so much (Well, he was screaming, I was squeaking...I still sound like a chipmunk, but my voice is finally coming back) that one of our neighbors came over to see if she could help us out (she's super motherly), and the other ended up calling Security Forces. Mind you, SF never actually came to our house; They sat in their car across from our house, listening and watching. Thankfully, we gave them no reason to intervene.

The worst parts of this? A) My 4 month old marriage is already suffering and B) We were not mindful of our neighbors who both have small children. Now I feel like a rude putz.

Well, that basically sums this up. I suppose I should stop procrastinating (though I do it so very well) and take care of the neglected house work (I didn't realize how messy this house would get within just a few days) since my husband won't help me/do it himself. It's 9:34 AM and I haven't been to bed yet.....=\

[breathe] Just a few more days until I go back to NC for Christmas. The first thing I am going to do is go HOME and hug my sweet dog who's been pining for me.

Super Sad

It's just not been my week. I went from being super angry yesterday to super sad today.

See, I try not to call home a  lot, because it makes me really homesick...I've only been gone for a few months, and my logic is that if I go longer and longer without interaction, the pain will lessen. Today, though,  I was super excited about the fact that I'd found the perfect Christmas gift for my Mama.  So I sent her a text, telling her I got her a gift and she messages me back, asking why. I told her it's because she's my mama and I love her, and she responded with "I wasn't a very good one..." which is the truth, really, but I still love her none the less. Well, not knowing how to respond to her comment, I simply left the conversation off until I could get home and call her. Before I had the chance, though, she messaged me again saying "Did your grandmother tell her I had to have Baby (her 11 year old cat) put to sleep? I can't stand walking into the house anymore because he's not there...". Ya'll, this cat use to sit on the kitchen table in my moms house and say "Hello" when he heard her at the door and then "Mama" when he saw her.  I've heard him do it.  Her other cat is confused and at a loss; he doesn't know what to do without his buddy.  The worst part is the fact that my mom IS so upset and I'm too far away to do anything that could possibly help  her feel better. When I got home, I curled up on the couch and started crying; my husband ended up pulling me into his lap and just let me lay there and bawl my eyes out. I feel like CRAP and I want to go back to North Carolina so very badly right now. 

Of course, it doesn't help that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and this is the first major holiday that I have spent away from home. =(  My heart has a really big super sad right now.

Unacceptable.

When your wife is pissed off, you do not go down stairs and cut on the xbox and plug in your headset. When you've upset someone you care about, you're suppose to try and make the situation better, not say "There is nothing I can do about it!" and walk off. Being inconsiderate is what made me mad in the first place, repeating the offence just hammers the last nail into the coffin lid.

In the past few months, my husband has made me regret getting married more times than I can count. I don't believe in divorce unless there are outstanding circumstances, so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and keep pressing on. I thought 20 would be an acceptable age to marry someone, after being in a relationship with them for almost five years. I was, apparently, quite wrong.

Here is to hoping that things get better. Or that I drop dead of some mysterious ailment. Whichever comes first.

Dear Husband

I am your wife, not your mother. It is not my job to clean up after you. Yes, I'm a stay at home wife, but that does not mean you are allowed to leave trash all over the place. It's not alright to leave the back door wide open so that the puppy can come and go as she please. You need to stop falling asleep on the couch with said door flung wide open. We've had this conversation repeatedly, and every time you say "I'm trying" but I don't see it. I'm not picking up after you anymore. Not your dirty clothes that you leave all over the place, or the trash. I am not, and will not touch another mess that you make. I love you, but sometimes I want to strangle you.