RAWR -or- Sunday Aggravation

Several hours back, my husband left to go watch the new Batman movie with friends. I decided to not go, thinking he'd be back shortly to spend the rest of the day with me (Our usual Sunday tradition). I thought 'Hey, you had a BPD breakdown yesterday, why not let the fella go out and have a guys night?!'. Turns out, after the movie (which was the ONLY thing we agreed he was to do) James and his friends went to eat. And NOW, instead of spending time with me, he's bringing his friends back HERE to play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm so irritated. I want to start screaming and throw a tantrum because things aren't going my way and I'm feeling neglected. I'll end up spending the rest of the night upstairs in the bedroom just so I don't lose what little self control I have. I don't understand why I'm reacting to strongly to this situation, but I am...

You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.

It's alright to just be "okay"

Well, I lost my battle today, but not the war! I had a mini-manic episode where I threw shoes and my husbands hat around, snarling and huffing out the harshest argument I could come up with. The entire thing started over his double-standards when it comes to our budget. Instead of my usual, several hours long break-down, today it was condensed into a 45 minute burst of anger. It stopped when my husband went upstairs, crawling into the bed for a nap...and I ended up crawling into his arms for an hour. Afterwards, I did the sensible, yet selfish, thing; instead of letting him 'win', I dug out my spare change, went to the bank, got my money and spent it on myself. That's right. I was selfish for once and I love myself all the more for it.

I digress (just a little); for therapy, I was asked to come up with a 'happy list'. Things to do that help me avoid manic or depressive states. On this list, Subway is pretty high up there, because I can eat it and feel very little guilt about what I'm putting in my body. So I wanted to go treat myself today..

All of this, though, is okay. I remembered my wonderful DBT skills (Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder By Linehan, Marsha M.), got myself into a better state of mind, and now I'm going to finish out my day. I plan on running to the store to pick up some tanning lotion, shave me legs and then go on to the pool and lay out in the sun until the hubs joins me after work for a quick swim before dinner!

P.S. To ANYONE reading this who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies By Elliott, Charles H./ Smith, Laura L., Ph.D.), always remember one key thing: Just because you feel those strong emotions doesn't mean you have to act on them =) I know it's hard...and I failed a little today, but that's alright! One day at a time. Just. One. Never more than that!

Opinions

I made the rather simple mistake of voicing my opinion...on the internet. After viewing a hate filled video on youtube, I had the gall to make a post stating how I felt about said video. Yes, I probably took it a bit far, and should have taken greater care to word my statement better. I've received several hateful responses, most of which refer to me as "ignorant". Every single time someone responded to my comment, and email notification would be sent to my phone. Here it is, 3 in the morning, and I'm getting hate mail.  Needless to say, I'm tired of it, even after only a few days. So my youtube account has come down, and I will refrain from making another one, at least for a while. I suppose the hate mail is karma's way of trying to show me that I was wrong for leaving a sour comment on a video =\

I can't even begin to tell you how much the hateful words of another human being hurts, even when its through a medium such as the internet. Every word digs in under my skin, like a mite, and just sticks there. The few seconds of satisfaction someone might receive from trashing me leaves me aching, second guessing myself and my own personality & attitude. Especially when I'm woken from a nice, fuzzy sleep by the bright chirping of my phone, just to be knocked in the stomach (Metaphorically speaking, of course).

The worst part of all of this? It's not just the sting of other people's words...it's the fact that my husband had to remind me that I'm making myself a target for hate, and that the subject matter I commented on could potentially put the both of us in danger. "Security risk" is a phrase heavily used by James when he attempts to explain why what I did was wrong.

In case you're wondering....A few days ago, I viewed a video where a young female denounced our government and stated that she did not support our troops. She called them ignorant, evil and morally compromised. Being the wife & grand daughter of wonderful men who served in the military, her words brought my blood to a frothing boil. So I left a comment stating something that I believed to be truth (thanks to the news channels I've watched over the years)...and was instantly bashed down.

So now, with my tail tucked firmly between my legs, I'm taking what little bit I have left of my pride and heading off to drown my mind in cartoons. Thank you, youtube, for trashing any desire I had to voice my own opinions to the world.

Clueless

I'm in a pretty foul mood. And of course, it's husband related (Almost all of my ill moods are...). Right now, he's on the couch, doing what young men do best (Playing the Xbox), and I'm over at my make-shift desk, trying to ignore his very existence when I hear "Do you want to have sex?". Needless to say, I promptly responded with "No." A few seconds later, he says "Do you want to make love?"....Again, another no is awarded to him.


Update: Originally, I had planned on sleeping downstairs...it's cold though...so I ended up creeping into the master bedroom, intending of course to be standoffish and ignore my husband. After twenty minutes of laying as far from him as possible on the bed, I feel his elbow bump mine. So I bump him back. A quiet nudge war ensued...and before five minutes had passed, that butt-head slid over and put his had on my shoulder, announcing that he was going to snore in my ear.

Yes, I'm still mad at him, but it's hard to actually vocalize/appear to be so when he does things like this. Rather unfortunately, I'm not exhausted enough to sleep, so for the moment I am back downstairs, perusing Netflix and reading "Little Women".

A Dose of Fail

-_- So....Let me recap this week quickly. I've been sick. Went to the ER and was diagnosed with having a BAD virus running rampant in my body. The doctor gave me five different medications, all of which require being taken multiple times a day, spaced out properly to avoid overdose and to keep the medicine in me constantly. This means....sleep even though the drugs are making me tired! Tap in with James and I being at each others throats almost every day. This came to a head last night. We were screaming so much (Well, he was screaming, I was squeaking...I still sound like a chipmunk, but my voice is finally coming back) that one of our neighbors came over to see if she could help us out (she's super motherly), and the other ended up calling Security Forces. Mind you, SF never actually came to our house; They sat in their car across from our house, listening and watching. Thankfully, we gave them no reason to intervene.

The worst parts of this? A) My 4 month old marriage is already suffering and B) We were not mindful of our neighbors who both have small children. Now I feel like a rude putz.

Well, that basically sums this up. I suppose I should stop procrastinating (though I do it so very well) and take care of the neglected house work (I didn't realize how messy this house would get within just a few days) since my husband won't help me/do it himself. It's 9:34 AM and I haven't been to bed yet.....=\

[breathe] Just a few more days until I go back to NC for Christmas. The first thing I am going to do is go HOME and hug my sweet dog who's been pining for me.

Love & Hate

Yesterday sucked. I’ve quite possibly got pneumonia, and my husband comes home from work and what do we do? Automatically start bickering. This exploded into a huge fight…and ended up with both of us in tears. After things settled down and we went to sleep for the night (We did not and will not talk about yesterday), he mumbled “Can you hold me?” So I did, until he fell asleep. After that, I rolled over to read my kindle…and next thing I know, he’s got both arms around me and his head on my boobs. What a dork. We might hate each other some days…but we’ll always love each other. 

Anon Hate

So apparently because I play Runescape, I'm fat.
Because I haven't posted pictures of my husband and myself on Tumblr, apparently I'm lying that about being married.
Because I won't post pictures of myself, I must be ugly.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY? REALLY?!
[end mini-rant]

Anyway, I just started doing "Couch to 5k" today. I'm super tired and my lungs/head sorta hurt, but that's alright, because I actually feel GREAT. I took our puppy with me, and she really seemed happy to be jogging. It was funny, because on the way back to the house, a K-9 security forces unit drove by and their dog went crazy barking at Leia, and my little princess of a pup just looked at the car like "What the fuck is your problem, you 'jelly' or something?" it was so funny.

Unacceptable.

When your wife is pissed off, you do not go down stairs and cut on the xbox and plug in your headset. When you've upset someone you care about, you're suppose to try and make the situation better, not say "There is nothing I can do about it!" and walk off. Being inconsiderate is what made me mad in the first place, repeating the offence just hammers the last nail into the coffin lid.

In the past few months, my husband has made me regret getting married more times than I can count. I don't believe in divorce unless there are outstanding circumstances, so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and keep pressing on. I thought 20 would be an acceptable age to marry someone, after being in a relationship with them for almost five years. I was, apparently, quite wrong.

Here is to hoping that things get better. Or that I drop dead of some mysterious ailment. Whichever comes first.

Dear Husband

I am your wife, not your mother. It is not my job to clean up after you. Yes, I'm a stay at home wife, but that does not mean you are allowed to leave trash all over the place. It's not alright to leave the back door wide open so that the puppy can come and go as she please. You need to stop falling asleep on the couch with said door flung wide open. We've had this conversation repeatedly, and every time you say "I'm trying" but I don't see it. I'm not picking up after you anymore. Not your dirty clothes that you leave all over the place, or the trash. I am not, and will not touch another mess that you make. I love you, but sometimes I want to strangle you.

My Marriage or My Dreams?

I find myself in a sticky situation. I've come to the point where I want to start getting myself back into shape, down another 35 (ish) pounds and toned...I want to strengthen my lungs & heart (I mean this literally). My reason why isn't for vain purposes like so many others I see on tumblr (I'm not bashing you ladies, I promise, I'm glad you want bodies you can be proud of). For the past three years, after I found out I couldn't enlist in the military, I decided to go to my back up plan; I'd be a firefighter, and some day be a battalion chief. But then...I got married. See, for those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military. Right now, I'm a stay at home wife. My hopes and dreams took a back seat when I moved away from home. We've got one car between the two of us. That makes finding a job pretty hard. It makes going to college even harder. Especially because I'm terrified to drive off base (Big city traffic & roads confuse me, as does getting on the highway, which I would have to do to go to the community college up here). On one hand, I'm dying inside because I'm letting myself down. On the other hand, I'm terrified to even TRY because I don't want my relationship to fall to pieces (For those of you that are all "Oh it won't. If he loves you, he'll support you, keep reading). A military relationship in itself is stressful. Tack in another high stress job with wonky hours, and you've got a recipe for disaster. All of my female friends up here (Some married with kids, some married without) know how I feel and agree that it would be a hard thing to do...And I've semi-tried to talk to my husband about it, but I need to make up my own mind first. 

Hateful

"Thanks for reminding me of the terms of my lease agreement. Would you like a brownie?" Go ahead, take one. Their made of expensive chocolate...and parasitic dog poo. After all, you deserve it, for ratting my husband and I out to the base housing office for having guests stay with us. Dear neighbor, is it that you're jealous that I'm ten years younger than you and I can live my life freely because I didn't have kids young? Is it that you're made because I'm not as heavily built as you? Are you mad because we have friends over two times or so a week? If we're just being too loud, you can come over and say something, and as long as you do it respectfully, we'll comply. I'm sorry if we've upset you somehow...we're young, after all, and this is the first time we've been with each other longer than a week in several years...we like having fun...you should come over and say hi sometime.


Oh I am REALLY pissed, ladies & gents. In case you can't tell, I received an email from base housing this afternoon, stating that my husband and I were in violation of our lease. That's right. Now you might be wondering (but probably not) what we did to get ourselves in trouble. See, my husband and I invited his friend (a fellow military member) & the guys girlfriend to stay with us. It was better then the two of them trying to stay in the fella's dorm room, after all. However, because the duo stayed with us longer then one night and we failed to tell the housing office, we are in violation of our lease and are now at risk of being evicted. So now we have to run the couple off. Their only option is to get a hotel room or try and stay in the dorm again and hope that they don't get caught.


See if I ever try to do something nice for someone ever again. Thanks world, for turning me into a bitter bitch.