Opinions

I made the rather simple mistake of voicing my opinion...on the internet. After viewing a hate filled video on youtube, I had the gall to make a post stating how I felt about said video. Yes, I probably took it a bit far, and should have taken greater care to word my statement better. I've received several hateful responses, most of which refer to me as "ignorant". Every single time someone responded to my comment, and email notification would be sent to my phone. Here it is, 3 in the morning, and I'm getting hate mail.  Needless to say, I'm tired of it, even after only a few days. So my youtube account has come down, and I will refrain from making another one, at least for a while. I suppose the hate mail is karma's way of trying to show me that I was wrong for leaving a sour comment on a video =\

I can't even begin to tell you how much the hateful words of another human being hurts, even when its through a medium such as the internet. Every word digs in under my skin, like a mite, and just sticks there. The few seconds of satisfaction someone might receive from trashing me leaves me aching, second guessing myself and my own personality & attitude. Especially when I'm woken from a nice, fuzzy sleep by the bright chirping of my phone, just to be knocked in the stomach (Metaphorically speaking, of course).

The worst part of all of this? It's not just the sting of other people's words...it's the fact that my husband had to remind me that I'm making myself a target for hate, and that the subject matter I commented on could potentially put the both of us in danger. "Security risk" is a phrase heavily used by James when he attempts to explain why what I did was wrong.

In case you're wondering....A few days ago, I viewed a video where a young female denounced our government and stated that she did not support our troops. She called them ignorant, evil and morally compromised. Being the wife & grand daughter of wonderful men who served in the military, her words brought my blood to a frothing boil. So I left a comment stating something that I believed to be truth (thanks to the news channels I've watched over the years)...and was instantly bashed down.

So now, with my tail tucked firmly between my legs, I'm taking what little bit I have left of my pride and heading off to drown my mind in cartoons. Thank you, youtube, for trashing any desire I had to voice my own opinions to the world.

Clueless

I'm in a pretty foul mood. And of course, it's husband related (Almost all of my ill moods are...). Right now, he's on the couch, doing what young men do best (Playing the Xbox), and I'm over at my make-shift desk, trying to ignore his very existence when I hear "Do you want to have sex?". Needless to say, I promptly responded with "No." A few seconds later, he says "Do you want to make love?"....Again, another no is awarded to him.


Update: Originally, I had planned on sleeping downstairs...it's cold though...so I ended up creeping into the master bedroom, intending of course to be standoffish and ignore my husband. After twenty minutes of laying as far from him as possible on the bed, I feel his elbow bump mine. So I bump him back. A quiet nudge war ensued...and before five minutes had passed, that butt-head slid over and put his had on my shoulder, announcing that he was going to snore in my ear.

Yes, I'm still mad at him, but it's hard to actually vocalize/appear to be so when he does things like this. Rather unfortunately, I'm not exhausted enough to sleep, so for the moment I am back downstairs, perusing Netflix and reading "Little Women".

A Dose of Fail

-_- So....Let me recap this week quickly. I've been sick. Went to the ER and was diagnosed with having a BAD virus running rampant in my body. The doctor gave me five different medications, all of which require being taken multiple times a day, spaced out properly to avoid overdose and to keep the medicine in me constantly. This means....sleep even though the drugs are making me tired! Tap in with James and I being at each others throats almost every day. This came to a head last night. We were screaming so much (Well, he was screaming, I was squeaking...I still sound like a chipmunk, but my voice is finally coming back) that one of our neighbors came over to see if she could help us out (she's super motherly), and the other ended up calling Security Forces. Mind you, SF never actually came to our house; They sat in their car across from our house, listening and watching. Thankfully, we gave them no reason to intervene.

The worst parts of this? A) My 4 month old marriage is already suffering and B) We were not mindful of our neighbors who both have small children. Now I feel like a rude putz.

Well, that basically sums this up. I suppose I should stop procrastinating (though I do it so very well) and take care of the neglected house work (I didn't realize how messy this house would get within just a few days) since my husband won't help me/do it himself. It's 9:34 AM and I haven't been to bed yet.....=\

[breathe] Just a few more days until I go back to NC for Christmas. The first thing I am going to do is go HOME and hug my sweet dog who's been pining for me.

Love & Hate

Yesterday sucked. I’ve quite possibly got pneumonia, and my husband comes home from work and what do we do? Automatically start bickering. This exploded into a huge fight…and ended up with both of us in tears. After things settled down and we went to sleep for the night (We did not and will not talk about yesterday), he mumbled “Can you hold me?” So I did, until he fell asleep. After that, I rolled over to read my kindle…and next thing I know, he’s got both arms around me and his head on my boobs. What a dork. We might hate each other some days…but we’ll always love each other. 

Crap.

I'm sick as a dog, and there are things that need to be taken care of around the house. I haven't had a decent amount of sleep in quite a few days. >=( I've managed to take care of cleaning up downstairs. Now I'm just attempting to find the energy to get the laundry started so that my husband can have some clean clothes to wear after work. The sad thing is, I've completely lost my appetite, so the energy I need? Yea, it doesn't exist. I'm just happy to be sitting upright at the moment.

Why is it so hard to make a doctors appointment on this base? Blegh. There are several things that I want to speak to a doctor about. I think I'm just going to wait until I go home in 14 days...My doctor back in NC takes walk-ins every single morning between 5 & 7. WHY isn't there a doctor like that here? Being sick has made me miss home so much more than I ever thought possible. It sucks. For as eager as I was to get away from my family, I now find myself filled with regret.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to try and get some more housework done...then I'm going to join my puppy for a nap (I made the bed earlier, and her little butt jumped right up and fell asleep against the stack of pillows).

Today Is the Day

Day 1 (30 Day Challenge)

My names is Jessica. Jessa, Jess or Jessie for short.
I’m 20 years old and recently married.
I’ve got an adorable german shepherd puppy named Leia.
I don’t like where I’m living currently and can’t wait to move. 
I recently put myself on a diet & started to exercise.
I’m a anti-social book worm who likes to play video games.
I also enjoy writing letters and have several penpals =) 

Alright, so now to tell you....that I got up and did another round of "Couch to 5k". And I hate to say it, but I almost didn't make it =( I think I might drop having 'down days'. I know that's not healthy, but I feel like my lungs need to be worked every day, if that makes any sense. I have NO idea what my weight currently is, though I plan on going to the gym with my husband soon just to find out (Or maybe the doctors office...). Anyway, today was a pretty level kind of day. I have a few things to take care of today; Leia has an appointment at the vets office, the floors need sweeping & the up stairs bathroom needs to be cleaned. After that (And dinner later on) I plan on doing a wholeeee bunch of nothing. 

The Talk

I don't know why it is, but any time my husband and I have serious topics that need to be discussed, we head for the shower. I guess it's because we're so much calmer, and it's pretty hard to get mad at someone when you're butt ass naked with them.
    I've been wanting to talk to my husband about something pretty important to me, so when he decided to get into the shower after work yesterday, I climbed in after him, picking my words carefully. When I asked "What do you think about me being a firefighter in the future?", he did not hesitate. James told me that he both likes and dislikes the idea. Dislike, because it's a dangerous job, we'd not be round each other that much anymore, and he'd have to step up and help with the house work. Because I'd have the more physically demanding job, he'd probably end up doing MOST of it. He did say that the extra income would be nice to have, though. We mulled things over for a while before I asked the next question; "Do you like my being a housewife?". The look on his face was priceless. It was one of those moments where he thought it was a loaded question, where I ask one thing but it really means something else. I started laughing and told him to just answer honestly, the question is what it is and I was just looking for his opinion. He loves having a housewife. he can come home after work and sit on the couch, doing practically nothing. He's spoiled, pampered and likes knowing that everything is taken care of. After telling me all of this though, he voiced one more statement on both topics; "You do what makes you happy. That's all I want. You. Happy."

     So now I'm at a loss. I WANT to be a firefighter/emt. I have for years, ever since the military denied my contract. I have so much ambition and drive....but at the same time I've got to take my husbands wants and needs into consideration. The fact that we're a military family also has to come into play. I want children soon...And I think the base fire departments are all military run. There are SO many factors that come in to play with this. I think I'm going to go to the "Airman and Family Readiness Center" and see what they might be able to help me with. If ANYONE knows the answer to the bold/underlined question, can you PLEASE send me an email at unholyxombie@gmail.com ? 

Fail!

Last night, my husband and I ran our friends off so that we could spend the rest of the evening cleaning up the house. We climbed into bed a little before 9pm and lay here watching movies and playing video games. Well, I was pretty sleepy....or so I thought. T_T I didn't fall asleep into almost 5 this morning, even with only getting around 5 hours of sleep the night before. GAH! So of course I didn't get out of the bed until almost two this afternoon, which means I won't be sleeping again tonight. I might as well take down a few energy drinks and stay up for twenty four hours.

In other news, as I was leaving to go do another day of "Couch to 5k", the UPS man pulls onto our street. I froze; cue the instant deer in the headlights look. He pulls around in front of our house...and stops! So I took off at a dead run for the house. And sure enough, there it was, perfectly balanced on top of the trash can lid...The Kindle Touch that my husband ordered for me as a Christmas present. Oh my god I could scream in delight. So I took the package inside and put it down on the coffee table...because of course, I've been forbidden to open it until Christmas, but STILL! It's HERE! After spending a few minutes squealing in absolute delight, I locked the house back up and took the pup out for exercise....and found that today didn't take as much of a toll on my body. After one day? Really? It must just be my state of mind. I feel GREAT right now, though!

This means that tomorrow is a down day, and that actually makes me a little

sad =( 

On the first half of our little jaunt, Leia and I were stopped by two guys that work for the base's Housing Maintenance. They inquired about my puppy, asking about the breed (even though it's painfully obvious), wanted to know if she was full blooded (I almost said Pure Blood....too much Harry Potter for me...), and how much we paid for her. Then they cooed over the puppy. She ate up the attention like she's starving for it.

Anon Hate

So apparently because I play Runescape, I'm fat.
Because I haven't posted pictures of my husband and myself on Tumblr, apparently I'm lying that about being married.
Because I won't post pictures of myself, I must be ugly.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY? REALLY?!
[end mini-rant]

Anyway, I just started doing "Couch to 5k" today. I'm super tired and my lungs/head sorta hurt, but that's alright, because I actually feel GREAT. I took our puppy with me, and she really seemed happy to be jogging. It was funny, because on the way back to the house, a K-9 security forces unit drove by and their dog went crazy barking at Leia, and my little princess of a pup just looked at the car like "What the fuck is your problem, you 'jelly' or something?" it was so funny.

Just Do It.

Alright, so first and for most, let me say one thing. I am...a very lazy person. BUT when I do work, I'm a very dedicated person. Ever since I got married, I've been a 'housewife'. Three months of no work has lead to a very rapid weight gain. I'm roughly five foot six inches tall, and I'd wager I am now around 175 pounds. This does NOT make me happy. So, I'm going to start a "Couch to 5k" training program, AND do pilates, while also using a speed rope for cardio. I'm super stoked to start this! =) It's 5 am on Saturday morning..and I haven't been to bed yet, so...I'm thinking about putting this off until Monday, but...I think I've procrastinated enough. 

Thanksgiving at Midnight(ish)

Sooo...it's my first holiday away from home and I'm....28 minutes into it...and I'm very...very drunk. Thus making this day hard easy to deal with. Yay for my husband making screwdrivers! <3 ^___^

Super Sad

It's just not been my week. I went from being super angry yesterday to super sad today.

See, I try not to call home a  lot, because it makes me really homesick...I've only been gone for a few months, and my logic is that if I go longer and longer without interaction, the pain will lessen. Today, though,  I was super excited about the fact that I'd found the perfect Christmas gift for my Mama.  So I sent her a text, telling her I got her a gift and she messages me back, asking why. I told her it's because she's my mama and I love her, and she responded with "I wasn't a very good one..." which is the truth, really, but I still love her none the less. Well, not knowing how to respond to her comment, I simply left the conversation off until I could get home and call her. Before I had the chance, though, she messaged me again saying "Did your grandmother tell her I had to have Baby (her 11 year old cat) put to sleep? I can't stand walking into the house anymore because he's not there...". Ya'll, this cat use to sit on the kitchen table in my moms house and say "Hello" when he heard her at the door and then "Mama" when he saw her.  I've heard him do it.  Her other cat is confused and at a loss; he doesn't know what to do without his buddy.  The worst part is the fact that my mom IS so upset and I'm too far away to do anything that could possibly help  her feel better. When I got home, I curled up on the couch and started crying; my husband ended up pulling me into his lap and just let me lay there and bawl my eyes out. I feel like CRAP and I want to go back to North Carolina so very badly right now. 

Of course, it doesn't help that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and this is the first major holiday that I have spent away from home. =(  My heart has a really big super sad right now.

Unacceptable.

When your wife is pissed off, you do not go down stairs and cut on the xbox and plug in your headset. When you've upset someone you care about, you're suppose to try and make the situation better, not say "There is nothing I can do about it!" and walk off. Being inconsiderate is what made me mad in the first place, repeating the offence just hammers the last nail into the coffin lid.

In the past few months, my husband has made me regret getting married more times than I can count. I don't believe in divorce unless there are outstanding circumstances, so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and keep pressing on. I thought 20 would be an acceptable age to marry someone, after being in a relationship with them for almost five years. I was, apparently, quite wrong.

Here is to hoping that things get better. Or that I drop dead of some mysterious ailment. Whichever comes first.

Boring blog is Boring

So...this is me...brainstorming...

You can almost see my mind attempting to string to coherent

thoughts together...

I'm not really sure what to talk about on this blog =| I don't really do anything interesting, and very little happens to me these days. Ugh -_- I wish I had some ideas to spice this thing up!

Dear Husband

I am your wife, not your mother. It is not my job to clean up after you. Yes, I'm a stay at home wife, but that does not mean you are allowed to leave trash all over the place. It's not alright to leave the back door wide open so that the puppy can come and go as she please. You need to stop falling asleep on the couch with said door flung wide open. We've had this conversation repeatedly, and every time you say "I'm trying" but I don't see it. I'm not picking up after you anymore. Not your dirty clothes that you leave all over the place, or the trash. I am not, and will not touch another mess that you make. I love you, but sometimes I want to strangle you.

=O Well Hello Again, Forgotten Blog!

Disclaimer: Any pictures used here are NOT mine. They belong to the game Runescape, run by Jagex

For this, I am sorry...I'll try to run a better blog, I swear!

So...today, my husband bought himself Saints Row 3 and a remote controlled helicopter....
So in return, I asked for one thing.
My bamboo drawing tablet, for the computer.
And guess what?
He got it!!!

Now all I need is talent, because I really can't draw worth a damn.

Up until this point, I've been trying to run two separate blogs....One for personal stuff, and one for my gaming addiction & alternate persona. I haven't been doing well, trying to juggle things. So, I've decided to mash both blogs together! =D 

This makes for a happy me! 

Anyway, that's about all I have to say right now...the husband & puppy are heading to bed, so I guess that means I have to go too! 

A Hobby -Or- Anti-Social Social Skills

Alright, so let's get one thing straight; I am not a very social person. I'd rather be by myself, or with my husband. Back in my younger days (I know, I'm young now, don't lecture!), I had a tight knit group of friends, and I was always hanging out with one person or another. Somewhere along the way, all of that came to a brutal, brake stomping halt. And for the most part, I'm alright with that...or at least I was, until earlier this year. It's funny how I'm undergoing personality changes yet again, which is a little weird. I thought I'd be/know myself by now, and apparently I don't. Now, don't mistake my words here; I'm still anti-social and socially awkward. When I'm face to face with someone I clam up, even around people that I've known for a long time. Unless I'm under the influence of alcohol. Anyway, I finally figured out a way to interact with other people in a manner that is comfortable for me and ALSO gives me a hobby to keep me busy during the day; I've started taking on penpals!

My Marriage or My Dreams?

I find myself in a sticky situation. I've come to the point where I want to start getting myself back into shape, down another 35 (ish) pounds and toned...I want to strengthen my lungs & heart (I mean this literally). My reason why isn't for vain purposes like so many others I see on tumblr (I'm not bashing you ladies, I promise, I'm glad you want bodies you can be proud of). For the past three years, after I found out I couldn't enlist in the military, I decided to go to my back up plan; I'd be a firefighter, and some day be a battalion chief. But then...I got married. See, for those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military. Right now, I'm a stay at home wife. My hopes and dreams took a back seat when I moved away from home. We've got one car between the two of us. That makes finding a job pretty hard. It makes going to college even harder. Especially because I'm terrified to drive off base (Big city traffic & roads confuse me, as does getting on the highway, which I would have to do to go to the community college up here). On one hand, I'm dying inside because I'm letting myself down. On the other hand, I'm terrified to even TRY because I don't want my relationship to fall to pieces (For those of you that are all "Oh it won't. If he loves you, he'll support you, keep reading). A military relationship in itself is stressful. Tack in another high stress job with wonky hours, and you've got a recipe for disaster. All of my female friends up here (Some married with kids, some married without) know how I feel and agree that it would be a hard thing to do...And I've semi-tried to talk to my husband about it, but I need to make up my own mind first. 

I just wanted to state one simple thing before I start my day;
The sound of Air Force One doing engine checks & then taking off drowns out my tv & the loud whir of our A/C unit. Don't get me wrong though; I quite enjoy the sounds of massive planes (and helicopters) taking off and landing. I always have. In a way, it helps me feel not quite so homesick. See, my Grandfather flew helicopters & planes in the Army, and every time I see one here  on base, smile a little and think of him.

My husband thinks I'm silly; I always get so excited when I see planes or helicopters. He, of course, is quite use t seeing them this point, having been in the military for several years now. I guess that, eventually, my excitement will wear off.

P.S. I never really realized how big the Presidential Plane really is...lord have mercy that thing is massive.

Hateful

"Thanks for reminding me of the terms of my lease agreement. Would you like a brownie?" Go ahead, take one. Their made of expensive chocolate...and parasitic dog poo. After all, you deserve it, for ratting my husband and I out to the base housing office for having guests stay with us. Dear neighbor, is it that you're jealous that I'm ten years younger than you and I can live my life freely because I didn't have kids young? Is it that you're made because I'm not as heavily built as you? Are you mad because we have friends over two times or so a week? If we're just being too loud, you can come over and say something, and as long as you do it respectfully, we'll comply. I'm sorry if we've upset you somehow...we're young, after all, and this is the first time we've been with each other longer than a week in several years...we like having fun...you should come over and say hi sometime.


Oh I am REALLY pissed, ladies & gents. In case you can't tell, I received an email from base housing this afternoon, stating that my husband and I were in violation of our lease. That's right. Now you might be wondering (but probably not) what we did to get ourselves in trouble. See, my husband and I invited his friend (a fellow military member) & the guys girlfriend to stay with us. It was better then the two of them trying to stay in the fella's dorm room, after all. However, because the duo stayed with us longer then one night and we failed to tell the housing office, we are in violation of our lease and are now at risk of being evicted. So now we have to run the couple off. Their only option is to get a hotel room or try and stay in the dorm again and hope that they don't get caught.


See if I ever try to do something nice for someone ever again. Thanks world, for turning me into a bitter bitch. 

Hatred is simple...

Getting along with someone, however, is the hard part.

The last few months have been a whirl-wind of insanity. No...more like a hurricane. Good and intense. See, I've been in a relationship with a certain individual for a little over four and a half years now. It's been up...and down. Mostly down, though. We don't get a long sometimes, and fight a lot. But that's alright...because it's just how both of us operate. See, both of us were brought up in dysfunctional families....and you know what they say..."You love in the way that you are taught to love..." And in my family, love=hate...

Anyway, this person that I'm with...is in the military. He enlisted in 2008, a year and a half after we started dating...so we've been in a long distance relationship since then. Earlier this year, he was deployed...and when he came back, we decided to try and find a place where we could live...Er...wait...let me try that one again...

                             That plan failed. I'm more from the country and moving into the big ol' city scared me so damn bad. So rather than live out in DC...my boyfriend & I decided..."Fuck it, let's get married and live on base..."

And that's how my marriage started. And ever since then...through the process of moving up here, getting our house on base and acquiring junk to put in said house....we've had so many fights and arguments that it's made me....feel right at home. Our relationship is just how it's always been, and to me, that's a good thing.
Why is it, though, that being so mad at him is  so easy?