You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Weeee!

So...it's one of those mornings where I'm finding it very difficult to bounce back from a depressed state of mind. I have no reason to be upset (Other than the fact that my camera broke yesterday and I can't afford a replacement). My husband took me out to an amazing restaurant last night (Ted's Montana Grill); We had an amazing meal and ended up laughing a lot. But for some reason, I'm in a deep blue funk today and can't seem to get myself feeling better. I've got my DBT skills book beside me and homework from the therapist to do, but along with the depression comes the inability to focus on much of anything. AAAAAAAAAAAA! I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out!

Just...What?

Life is really enjoying slinging curve balls at me. I've been pretty unstable as far as BPD episodes go over the past few days, and then i get a call last night from home (Oh joy...) that my cousins have been taken away from their parents because...dundundun...their parents have been arrested. I won't go in to the long list of charges (Oh yea, it's that bad). Now, my 14 year old cousin is posting all over facebook about it, begging for money (Her dads bond is 100,000, her moms is 25,000) and putting up their mugshots. Oh dear lord. What a mess. No one knows who is going to get custody of the kids (I'm voting foster care, because that would be the BEST option), and my Grandparents are so stressed out that it's making them ill.

So...that's bad news, three weeks in a row. The good news? Today was my husbands re-enlistment. He was able to have the ceremony in front of the 'first-heli' squadron, in their hanger. And then...cake. Nom! That's six more years of military life! And, because my camera broke, my husband made a deal with me; I can have a new camera, if he can get a new quad-copter. Woot! Now I just need to decide what camera to get...

That's pretty much all I have to talk about right now as far as personal life goes...Hm...I feel like I didn't say very much at all!

Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.

It's taken me long enough...

But I'm finally starting to feel real. 21 years old and just starting that whole 'self-discovery' thing. Part of my diagnosis with BPD is lacking the knowledge of self, and feeling rather unworthy. And I'm combating that, finally, after several months of treatment.

Swollen Eyes

It's been...a rough night.  It's been a tough week. I received a call from last week stating that my Great Aunt (to whom I was pretty close) has passed away, and that the Rottweiler I'd left behind with my family was residing at the vets kennels due to having unmanageable pain in his back legs. Yesterday, my step-father called me and asked to speak to my husband. Right there, the re-flags went up, waving madly. I knew before it was even said. They are putting my dog down. My sweet, goofy faced best friend who I cried over time and again because I missed him so much. And now I get to miss him forever. Needless to say...my heart hurts. Literal chest pain. My eyes are swollen from all the crying. And I have therapy at 9 am. All I want to do is curl up and cry, cry, cry. I wouldn't even own my two German Shepherds if I just could have had Dozer. I fully think the only reason I slept last night is because I was drugged. I took my ambien and when it hit....it hit hard. I went under pretty fast. I'm sitting here nursing a bottle of water and a caffeinated trail mix...

Here is to my baby...and his sweet smiling face. For letting me cry into his fur when I couldn't take James being deployed...for keeping me company at night for years...And for just being the best damn dog. 

Retail Therapy

As young newly weds, the concept of budgeting is pretty foreign to both my husband and myself.I've never been good with money...mostly because I'm impulsive! Anyway, we HAVE started to be a bit more frugal. The bills come out automatically, but everything else we pay for in cash and we've limited ourselves to 50$ per person 'fun money'. Said fun money can be spent on snacks, movies, games, clothes, etc. Anything that isn't really a need (This includes fastfood...). Today was pay day, so I withdrew my chunk of fun money and the grocery cash...and went to the thrift store. They didn't really have anything of interest, so I got back in the car (nothing like driving that car, I swear...I love it!) and went over to a different store...and saw that a lot of the camelbak (CamelBak Women's Aurora 70 oz. Hydration Pack - Imperial Purple, Camelbak .6 L Eddy Bottle - Dusty Rose) products were on sale. So...I ended up spending all but two dollars of my money. I am now the proud owner of these two products!

As a quick little review on the bottle (Because I haven't used the reservoir yet), I'd just like to say....Not really liking the whole straw thing at the moment =\ I'm so use to tipping my head back when I drink...and you can see what that might pose a problem...lol! The design is also a little heavy. It set me back a little over 11$ and overall I'm pretty happy with the 750ml bottle =) I sorta want to fill the reservoir and go for a bike ride...but I think I'll stick to home for a few!

Update: Another flaw with the bottle; because it's a stiff straw, you can't get all the water out of the bottle...LOL

Whoops!

So I already slipped up! My bad! I made dinner last night and then...didn't eat it. I actually...didn't have dinner at all, now that I think about it. And haven't had breakfast yet. Okay, I need to get food asap, that's my next goal. Anyway! Dinner for James (my husband), Nathan (husbands friend) and Joel (Also my husbands friend, who just returned from a canceled deployment) was:

Two pounds of chicken,
1 1/4 cup uncooked long grain white rice
1 cup water
2 cups salsa
2 cans campbells nacho cheese soup

All I did was throw everything together in the crock-pot, (Crock Pot SCCPBP600S 6-Quart Oval Programmable Slow Cooker Stainless) mix it together really well and let it go for about 8 hours. Supposedly, it turned out really well (they ate the mix in tortillas). And I'll take their word for it =)

So, someone may be thinking "Why are you starving yourself?" "That's self harm"...I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear! I just wasn't hungry at dinner time, and knew that bit of food wouldn't feed four people, so I let the guys, who'd worked all day, have the food. And I was busy talking to ma Mama on the phone anyway!! I do wish I'd gotten a picture of the noms though to post...=\ Oh well!

It's alright to just be "okay"

Well, I lost my battle today, but not the war! I had a mini-manic episode where I threw shoes and my husbands hat around, snarling and huffing out the harshest argument I could come up with. The entire thing started over his double-standards when it comes to our budget. Instead of my usual, several hours long break-down, today it was condensed into a 45 minute burst of anger. It stopped when my husband went upstairs, crawling into the bed for a nap...and I ended up crawling into his arms for an hour. Afterwards, I did the sensible, yet selfish, thing; instead of letting him 'win', I dug out my spare change, went to the bank, got my money and spent it on myself. That's right. I was selfish for once and I love myself all the more for it.

I digress (just a little); for therapy, I was asked to come up with a 'happy list'. Things to do that help me avoid manic or depressive states. On this list, Subway is pretty high up there, because I can eat it and feel very little guilt about what I'm putting in my body. So I wanted to go treat myself today..

All of this, though, is okay. I remembered my wonderful DBT skills (Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder By Linehan, Marsha M.), got myself into a better state of mind, and now I'm going to finish out my day. I plan on running to the store to pick up some tanning lotion, shave me legs and then go on to the pool and lay out in the sun until the hubs joins me after work for a quick swim before dinner!

P.S. To ANYONE reading this who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies By Elliott, Charles H./ Smith, Laura L., Ph.D.), always remember one key thing: Just because you feel those strong emotions doesn't mean you have to act on them =) I know it's hard...and I failed a little today, but that's alright! One day at a time. Just. One. Never more than that!

Plan of Attack

Surprisingly, it was an 'early' morning for me. Instead of rolling out of the bed at 11pm, I was up with my husband at around 6, making a mad dash to go pick a friend up from the airport (his deployment was CANCELED!!! =D ). Now I'm starting to feel a bit of that funk that comes along around this time every day. So to combat the blues and hopefully avoid becoming manic, I've already started preparing dinner for tonight (A crock-pot recipe). After I clean up the prep-work mess, I'd LIKE to have Subway (But I know the husband won't allow that =/) so I'll probably end up making something to nom.

Om Nom Noms #2

 I bring to you....tonight's dinner! Pizza quesadillas! I selected relatively cheap product to make this meal, mostly because I needed to stay under a 95$ budget for the week. As you can see, there is very little required to make this meal =)

 Step one: >>>Take a tortilla and lightly (I went a bit heavy handed...) cover it in marina sauce. Nothing special needed!

 <<<<Step two: CHEESE! Mozzarella was my cheese of choice, but feel free to use whatever kind you want! I strongly suggest shredded cheese, because I feel like it melts better...

 Step Three:>>> Pepperoni! yum yum!

 <<<<Step four: Add the top, lightly sauced tortilla!

Step five:>>> Cook! I used my little grill on medium heat. Note: If you over sauce, it WILL leak out and it WILL sling up on to you just like bacon grease!

 <<<This is the finished product...I was too impatient to eat to let the tortilla crisp up =\ But they still turned out great! Once again, I was shocked to have another kitchen success!

Addition: Heat up a little extra marina sauce for dipping =)

Yuck

So today I wanted to share this with you. See that disaster? That is all the laundry that I've left un-done for the past several weeks. My 'give-a-damn' was jammed in the off position, but with some help from both my husband and my therapist, I've managed to switch it back on. So today I'm going to spend the day curled up on the couch, watching Doctor Who between loads of ...that...evil mess.

I'd also like to inform the general reading public that I finally had a manic-break down this morning after not being able to fall asleep. 48 hours of being awake sorta sucks and I finally lost my temper and started punching the wall. It took a good 45 minutes for me to reign myself back in. And of course my being awake a fussy effected the hubs..my noise, tossing and turning and general bad mood woke him. And in the end, karma bit my in the rump; Something, and I'm almost certain it was my birth-control, made me sick to my stomach. I'll just say...that I ended up hugging the toilet and leave it at that. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep AFTER James left for work, and not getting out of the bed until he came back on lunch-break. Ugh. Now I'm up, on my feet and feeling much better!

Om nom nom!

Tonight's dinner was one of those 'just wing it' meals where I try my hand at randomly throwing something together rather than following a recipe. This is only the third time I've cooked in three months (From lack of motivation/being manic). Tyson individually packaged (frozen) chicken breasts, thawed (of course) and simmered in a butter/milk base, with a mix of black pepper, cajun seasoning, hot shot, ground mustard, garlic powder and onion powder thrown on (eyeballed out of a teaspoon for each one). Fears of it being over-powering were squashed upon my husbands first bite. It is anything but bland, though! I must confess that I cheated with the green beans; they came out of a microwaveable steamer bad (after being cooked) and were added into the pot with the blackeyed peas and a bullion cube. Little under 40 minutes for total cook time (I cooked the chicken slowly) and less than five minutes for it to vanish from the plates.

Beware of time jumps and randomness...

Because this post is going to be full of them. It's going to be VERY disjointed...and I'm sorry for that.

It's around 3:09 pm...and I'm back at the computer. Yet again, I found myself on facebook, going over everything that had been posted over the last little bit of time. And during my little jaunt onto my favorite social-networking site, I decided to update my status. In the densely worded update, I informed my 160 friends/family that I'm currently feeling guilty over not having a job, and that I wish to become employed again. The cold hard fact though is that I will be unsuccessful; I need a part-time employer that is willing to work around my hectic therapy schedule. I'm currently on suicide-watch (No shutting myself in the bathroom, therapy every week, having to be medicated by my husband because I can't be trusted with pills) and that makes this even harder. I'm starting to stress as we speak and my mood is taking a nose dive. Luckily, with the skills I've been learning in therapy, I haven't yet reached a manic state, nor have I lost control and started bawling/self-harming. I WISH I could find a job that would allow me to work from home. That..in itself, would be the most ideal. AAAAAAA! I feel like ripping my hair out. And the thing is...I don't HAVE to work. My husband would like for me to get a job, and it would help a great deal, but his pay supports us very easily. And I'd only be working for a year (My husband and I plan on having a baby next year, and I'll be a stay at home mom). 

Now that I've sat here and vented, I think it's time I get back to cleaning...I haven't even finished tidying up, let alone starting the laundry. It's going to be a LONG night for me. I'm sure to work on this post again later, perhaps after dinner or if/when I start losing control. 

3:33 pm...Guess what? I told you I was going to leave my computer, and I haven't. Yeesh! I've started looking up "AdSense" and whatnot, and I'm seriously thinking about using it (Eventually). I'm also sitting here gazing at one of the cutest faces in the world (Xaphan, who is flopped at my feet, napping the day away). 

The Time Gap!

It's been quite a while since the last time I posted here. A few months, actually. And I'd fill you in RIGHT NOW on everything that has been going on, but that would take quite a while, and I'd have nothing to write about later!

 I started a Wordpress blog yesterday, and after a bit of research, I've decided it was more worth my time to come back to blogspot, so here I am, sitting at my kitchen table, writing for the rest of the world to see! My goal is to now write everyday, even multiple times a day to touch base on my day to day life, recipes that I've prepared (reviews on said noms and pictures), and...other stuff. Yea. Other stuff.

Anyway, here are a few things I feel like you need to know: We now have a second fur-baby: Another German Shepherd by the name of Xaphan. He is five months old, and our sweet Leia is now 9 months old. Also, I've been going to therapy...so you'll be hearing a lot about that and the things that I learn while in 'treatment'. I'm also going to try and post a little about fitness, nutrition and the things I learn while trying to undergo some major weightloss and a life-transition.