Early Morning Foulness

Can I quit? No? Well darn! I've got therapy this morning at 9, and I really.....really.....REALLY don't want to go. I'm exhausted, ill at ease, a little weepy...Okay, maybe I do need to go =/ It's 7:44am and therapy is at 9, so I've got a few things to take care of before then (Like showering...and brushing my teeth...and finding clothes that fit....and letting the puppies out to pee....One of which is standing right beside me with her nose up on the keyboard...). Great fun. I'd rather sit here all day and complain that I'm tired...
Mean thoughts: (And yes, I know this is coming way out of left field, please don't judge me too harshly). I woke up, took my husband to work ( =D Drove the sports car in my PJs... totally awesome!) and then came back to fetch breakfast. And I'm sure I'm not alone in the fact that I logged on to facebook while enjoying my cereal! Anyway, I noticed that my 'friend' (Long story...she's more like an enemy...I'm just going to leave it at that instead of boring you with the details of teenage squabbles) had posted a status update containing the phrase "I WILL be getting back in to shape this year!" and the first thing that popped into my head was?...I'm so ashamed....it's mean..."Shape? Round? You've never had a shape other than round! What do you mean 'Get back in to shape'?" Needless to say, I recognized the bitch horns had decided to start showing. Of COURSE I didn't actually type a response to her (I'm not heartless). And then I realized "Hey, that's a bit of an unbalanced thought there....check it." So now I'm sitting here breaking down the thought and what not like I was taught to do in...oh wait...therapy >_>. Anyway, what I've come up with so far is....I'm just jealous that shes younger than me and has a kid. The more balanced thought: Everyone has a right to try and get in shape. Stop being a biatch =P

I really should get off the internet...hrmmm.....

Later!! x~Jessica

Just...Blah.

Let's play a guessing game. You've only got one chance! Who's house is still a mess? With laundry still undone? And dishes in the sink? Bathrooms uncleaned? Me? Good guess, and very much the right answer! I haven't been doing very much, because my husband moved a friend in (temporarily). Well, that's my excuse, at least. The honest answer is that I haven't much cared to even attempt cleaning, due to two episodes back to back this weekend. Heck, might as well be honest; one BIG episode that lasted more than 24 hours (that's going to be fun to address in therapy).

So...how about I give you a bit of what caused the little...episode. Friday night, I went out with my husband and several amazing friends. Drank more than I had in several months. And I had fun (for the most part). Then Saturday rolled around, lolling it's ugly head. The day of the 'housewarming party' for...well, to be honest I don't know what to call her. She's not really a friend, and I'm not too fond of her....an acquaintance. That's what she is. The girl is blonde, a bit chunky and about as deep as a bird bath. But I digress (not to mention the fact that I'm being pointlessly mean on the internet...). Where was I? Oh. Yes! The housewarming...party. I'm SO freakin' pea-green with envy that I'm quite certain to be the same color as the Hulk! AGH! They were able to get one of the new, beautiful house's on base and they've put so much stuff in it! It looks amazing and I'm so MAD! And that's how I react to jealousy. With anger. Because A) She didn't have to date her husband for five years before they got married (they dated for six months...) B) They have two vehicles C)Beautiful house and beautiful stuff. My own house (not too far from theirs, actually) is full of shitty furniture, mostly second hand. And it's filthy and falling apart.

Due to my own bitter heart, and NOT putting my DBT skills to use, I had a breakdown. I WAS able to realize it was coming and even voiced to my husband that I knew I was about to lose it....and yet I still just sat there, slipping further and further until the rope that binds me to my sanity snapped. And it took more than 24 hours for me to get myself back in check. Today will be better than yesterday. I will get things done today. To anyone out there with BPD who reads this: Do the DBT skills work for you? Your list of happy things to do when you start slipping? Because I'm having a really hard time with it....

I feel so guilty right now. I wanted to be the trophy wife. I wanted to move up here and have a pin-neat house all the time, cook amazing meals for my husband constantly and make him happy. I'm so far off par that it hurts to look at my failure. Woo.