RAWR -or- Sunday Aggravation

Several hours back, my husband left to go watch the new Batman movie with friends. I decided to not go, thinking he'd be back shortly to spend the rest of the day with me (Our usual Sunday tradition). I thought 'Hey, you had a BPD breakdown yesterday, why not let the fella go out and have a guys night?!'. Turns out, after the movie (which was the ONLY thing we agreed he was to do) James and his friends went to eat. And NOW, instead of spending time with me, he's bringing his friends back HERE to play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm so irritated. I want to start screaming and throw a tantrum because things aren't going my way and I'm feeling neglected. I'll end up spending the rest of the night upstairs in the bedroom just so I don't lose what little self control I have. I don't understand why I'm reacting to strongly to this situation, but I am...

You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Opinions

I made the rather simple mistake of voicing my opinion...on the internet. After viewing a hate filled video on youtube, I had the gall to make a post stating how I felt about said video. Yes, I probably took it a bit far, and should have taken greater care to word my statement better. I've received several hateful responses, most of which refer to me as "ignorant". Every single time someone responded to my comment, and email notification would be sent to my phone. Here it is, 3 in the morning, and I'm getting hate mail.  Needless to say, I'm tired of it, even after only a few days. So my youtube account has come down, and I will refrain from making another one, at least for a while. I suppose the hate mail is karma's way of trying to show me that I was wrong for leaving a sour comment on a video =\

I can't even begin to tell you how much the hateful words of another human being hurts, even when its through a medium such as the internet. Every word digs in under my skin, like a mite, and just sticks there. The few seconds of satisfaction someone might receive from trashing me leaves me aching, second guessing myself and my own personality & attitude. Especially when I'm woken from a nice, fuzzy sleep by the bright chirping of my phone, just to be knocked in the stomach (Metaphorically speaking, of course).

The worst part of all of this? It's not just the sting of other people's words...it's the fact that my husband had to remind me that I'm making myself a target for hate, and that the subject matter I commented on could potentially put the both of us in danger. "Security risk" is a phrase heavily used by James when he attempts to explain why what I did was wrong.

In case you're wondering....A few days ago, I viewed a video where a young female denounced our government and stated that she did not support our troops. She called them ignorant, evil and morally compromised. Being the wife & grand daughter of wonderful men who served in the military, her words brought my blood to a frothing boil. So I left a comment stating something that I believed to be truth (thanks to the news channels I've watched over the years)...and was instantly bashed down.

So now, with my tail tucked firmly between my legs, I'm taking what little bit I have left of my pride and heading off to drown my mind in cartoons. Thank you, youtube, for trashing any desire I had to voice my own opinions to the world.

Love & Hate

Yesterday sucked. I’ve quite possibly got pneumonia, and my husband comes home from work and what do we do? Automatically start bickering. This exploded into a huge fight…and ended up with both of us in tears. After things settled down and we went to sleep for the night (We did not and will not talk about yesterday), he mumbled “Can you hold me?” So I did, until he fell asleep. After that, I rolled over to read my kindle…and next thing I know, he’s got both arms around me and his head on my boobs. What a dork. We might hate each other some days…but we’ll always love each other. 

Anon Hate

So apparently because I play Runescape, I'm fat.
Because I haven't posted pictures of my husband and myself on Tumblr, apparently I'm lying that about being married.
Because I won't post pictures of myself, I must be ugly.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY? REALLY?!
[end mini-rant]

Anyway, I just started doing "Couch to 5k" today. I'm super tired and my lungs/head sorta hurt, but that's alright, because I actually feel GREAT. I took our puppy with me, and she really seemed happy to be jogging. It was funny, because on the way back to the house, a K-9 security forces unit drove by and their dog went crazy barking at Leia, and my little princess of a pup just looked at the car like "What the fuck is your problem, you 'jelly' or something?" it was so funny.

Super Sad

It's just not been my week. I went from being super angry yesterday to super sad today.

See, I try not to call home a  lot, because it makes me really homesick...I've only been gone for a few months, and my logic is that if I go longer and longer without interaction, the pain will lessen. Today, though,  I was super excited about the fact that I'd found the perfect Christmas gift for my Mama.  So I sent her a text, telling her I got her a gift and she messages me back, asking why. I told her it's because she's my mama and I love her, and she responded with "I wasn't a very good one..." which is the truth, really, but I still love her none the less. Well, not knowing how to respond to her comment, I simply left the conversation off until I could get home and call her. Before I had the chance, though, she messaged me again saying "Did your grandmother tell her I had to have Baby (her 11 year old cat) put to sleep? I can't stand walking into the house anymore because he's not there...". Ya'll, this cat use to sit on the kitchen table in my moms house and say "Hello" when he heard her at the door and then "Mama" when he saw her.  I've heard him do it.  Her other cat is confused and at a loss; he doesn't know what to do without his buddy.  The worst part is the fact that my mom IS so upset and I'm too far away to do anything that could possibly help  her feel better. When I got home, I curled up on the couch and started crying; my husband ended up pulling me into his lap and just let me lay there and bawl my eyes out. I feel like CRAP and I want to go back to North Carolina so very badly right now. 

Of course, it doesn't help that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and this is the first major holiday that I have spent away from home. =(  My heart has a really big super sad right now.

Unacceptable.

When your wife is pissed off, you do not go down stairs and cut on the xbox and plug in your headset. When you've upset someone you care about, you're suppose to try and make the situation better, not say "There is nothing I can do about it!" and walk off. Being inconsiderate is what made me mad in the first place, repeating the offence just hammers the last nail into the coffin lid.

In the past few months, my husband has made me regret getting married more times than I can count. I don't believe in divorce unless there are outstanding circumstances, so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and keep pressing on. I thought 20 would be an acceptable age to marry someone, after being in a relationship with them for almost five years. I was, apparently, quite wrong.

Here is to hoping that things get better. Or that I drop dead of some mysterious ailment. Whichever comes first.

Boring blog is Boring

So...this is me...brainstorming...

You can almost see my mind attempting to string to coherent

thoughts together...

I'm not really sure what to talk about on this blog =| I don't really do anything interesting, and very little happens to me these days. Ugh -_- I wish I had some ideas to spice this thing up!

My Marriage or My Dreams?

I find myself in a sticky situation. I've come to the point where I want to start getting myself back into shape, down another 35 (ish) pounds and toned...I want to strengthen my lungs & heart (I mean this literally). My reason why isn't for vain purposes like so many others I see on tumblr (I'm not bashing you ladies, I promise, I'm glad you want bodies you can be proud of). For the past three years, after I found out I couldn't enlist in the military, I decided to go to my back up plan; I'd be a firefighter, and some day be a battalion chief. But then...I got married. See, for those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military. Right now, I'm a stay at home wife. My hopes and dreams took a back seat when I moved away from home. We've got one car between the two of us. That makes finding a job pretty hard. It makes going to college even harder. Especially because I'm terrified to drive off base (Big city traffic & roads confuse me, as does getting on the highway, which I would have to do to go to the community college up here). On one hand, I'm dying inside because I'm letting myself down. On the other hand, I'm terrified to even TRY because I don't want my relationship to fall to pieces (For those of you that are all "Oh it won't. If he loves you, he'll support you, keep reading). A military relationship in itself is stressful. Tack in another high stress job with wonky hours, and you've got a recipe for disaster. All of my female friends up here (Some married with kids, some married without) know how I feel and agree that it would be a hard thing to do...And I've semi-tried to talk to my husband about it, but I need to make up my own mind first. 

Hateful

"Thanks for reminding me of the terms of my lease agreement. Would you like a brownie?" Go ahead, take one. Their made of expensive chocolate...and parasitic dog poo. After all, you deserve it, for ratting my husband and I out to the base housing office for having guests stay with us. Dear neighbor, is it that you're jealous that I'm ten years younger than you and I can live my life freely because I didn't have kids young? Is it that you're made because I'm not as heavily built as you? Are you mad because we have friends over two times or so a week? If we're just being too loud, you can come over and say something, and as long as you do it respectfully, we'll comply. I'm sorry if we've upset you somehow...we're young, after all, and this is the first time we've been with each other longer than a week in several years...we like having fun...you should come over and say hi sometime.


Oh I am REALLY pissed, ladies & gents. In case you can't tell, I received an email from base housing this afternoon, stating that my husband and I were in violation of our lease. That's right. Now you might be wondering (but probably not) what we did to get ourselves in trouble. See, my husband and I invited his friend (a fellow military member) & the guys girlfriend to stay with us. It was better then the two of them trying to stay in the fella's dorm room, after all. However, because the duo stayed with us longer then one night and we failed to tell the housing office, we are in violation of our lease and are now at risk of being evicted. So now we have to run the couple off. Their only option is to get a hotel room or try and stay in the dorm again and hope that they don't get caught.


See if I ever try to do something nice for someone ever again. Thanks world, for turning me into a bitter bitch.