RAWR -or- Sunday Aggravation

Several hours back, my husband left to go watch the new Batman movie with friends. I decided to not go, thinking he'd be back shortly to spend the rest of the day with me (Our usual Sunday tradition). I thought 'Hey, you had a BPD breakdown yesterday, why not let the fella go out and have a guys night?!'. Turns out, after the movie (which was the ONLY thing we agreed he was to do) James and his friends went to eat. And NOW, instead of spending time with me, he's bringing his friends back HERE to play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm so irritated. I want to start screaming and throw a tantrum because things aren't going my way and I'm feeling neglected. I'll end up spending the rest of the night upstairs in the bedroom just so I don't lose what little self control I have. I don't understand why I'm reacting to strongly to this situation, but I am...

In the fridge -Or- A little slice of happiness?

It's official. This week marks week 1 of the great weight loss adventure! I've been copying recipes out of "Hungry Girl" & counting calories and water in take like a mad woman. I spent an hour in the kitchen cutting up vegetables to stuff in mason jars; this way, they are on hand, already prepped and ready for snacking or cooking. Along with all of this came a shocking surprise: Last night, after preparing a salad and sitting down to eat, my husband voiced a comment that made my heart happy; He said, "This is really good. Ya' know, I'm actually excited about this whole weight loss thing. Hungry Girl feeds hungry guys too!". I swear I about had a heart attack! Never in my life did I expect to hear him utter anything close to those words. And for him to actually LIKE the food I've been preparing?! Just....WOW. It was a total confidence booster. Nothing quite like having a true partner on board for the whole weight loss thing!

That's the good news. The bad? I haven't been sleeping, so there hasn't been any exercise in my life this week, like there should be. I'm so exhausted you guys! Even taking my ambien hasn't helped! I don't know what's going on with this! Maybe I just need to force my body into a state of over exhaustion and just stay up for 24 hours so that I pass out tomorrow? I don't know what to do!!!

To Be Good or...

To be greedy? A good wife should share with her husband, right? ...But I don't want to! Let me explain; last weekend, an electrical storm struck base (Pun not intended). Because the outlets in base housing are not grounded (A fact that we didn't know), our surge protector took one heck of a hit; Xbox, router, modem and my husbands laptop power supply all ended up fried. After replacing the router (A whopping 120$), we just don't have the money to replace James's power supply. So naturally, he wants to share my computer. He gets two hours, I get two hours. Now, I'm sure this sounds reasonable. Except...I'm using my computer and don't much feel like giving it up just because he wants to play a video game (We're competing to see who levels faster and generally does better). It's not my fault his power supply got fried (He never unplugs his computer), so why should I take a chunk of what I view as punishment just so he can enjoy himself? Am I not allowed to have fun too?

Naturally, my husband is sulking...And it's actually making me pretty mad, to be honest. The more childish he acts, the less inclined I am to share with him. I suppose I should let the little baby have his turn, just to pacify him, but I also give up things I want/need so that he can get his R/C helicopters, fireworks, etc. He buys new clothes, I go to the Airmans attic and look for free stuff....But I digress (again). I'm being greedy and selfish. I know it's wrong but goodness...It's like he expects me to just roll over and let him take my computer from me.

Well I'll Be!

A few days ago, my husband and I returned to our hometown on vacation. And we've discovered that instead of playing different games...we enjoy playing the same one. And now we have something to do together and another topic to openly discuss =)

You want to WHAT?! (F-bombs and anger)

Welp, my give a damn is pretty fully broken at the moment. My husband came home and decided to ask me if he could have a guys day and go to Bush Gardens. I said no, he kept arguing. Sure, the tickets are free, but the food and drink isn't. Neither is the gas. And it's a GROUP outing, not just a 'guys night'. Nah babe, fuck you, thanks for the invite! I can't go, because we have two dogs that can't be kept in their crates all day, and because I'm about to be pissing blood (Sorry...that was graphic) due to being menstrual female. Pissed off and highly offended (He tried to buy me off by offering to get me my camera...which we can't fucking afford), I decided to just go crawl back into the bed. 10 minutes later, he comes up and says "I don't want to go without you...", tells me he loves me and asks for a kiss. No. If he 'didn't want to go without me' he wouldn't have asked in the fucking first place. And right now I'm so mad that the word love isn't in my vocabulary. He's got me so mad that I can't stand it. I just want to break stuff and cry. I've never been so butt-hurt. What on earth was he thinking?! Nah, it's fine. He can go and have fun with a group of our friends and I'll just fucking stay at home all day. Not like we needed to save the money because we're A) Going home to NC next week and B) Closing in on our 1 year anniversary. Nah, it's ALL fine. It's okay to do stuff/buy things when he wants to, but every time I want something, I've got to wait, save up for it or flat out just get told no. I'm done trying to have control today, I'm just going to let the BPD own me and that's all there is to it. I TRIED to get myself back to a good place and he just came along and dunked all over my efforts. FUCK that.

Retail Therapy

As young newly weds, the concept of budgeting is pretty foreign to both my husband and myself.I've never been good with money...mostly because I'm impulsive! Anyway, we HAVE started to be a bit more frugal. The bills come out automatically, but everything else we pay for in cash and we've limited ourselves to 50$ per person 'fun money'. Said fun money can be spent on snacks, movies, games, clothes, etc. Anything that isn't really a need (This includes fastfood...). Today was pay day, so I withdrew my chunk of fun money and the grocery cash...and went to the thrift store. They didn't really have anything of interest, so I got back in the car (nothing like driving that car, I swear...I love it!) and went over to a different store...and saw that a lot of the camelbak (CamelBak Women's Aurora 70 oz. Hydration Pack - Imperial Purple, Camelbak .6 L Eddy Bottle - Dusty Rose) products were on sale. So...I ended up spending all but two dollars of my money. I am now the proud owner of these two products!

As a quick little review on the bottle (Because I haven't used the reservoir yet), I'd just like to say....Not really liking the whole straw thing at the moment =\ I'm so use to tipping my head back when I drink...and you can see what that might pose a problem...lol! The design is also a little heavy. It set me back a little over 11$ and overall I'm pretty happy with the 750ml bottle =) I sorta want to fill the reservoir and go for a bike ride...but I think I'll stick to home for a few!

Update: Another flaw with the bottle; because it's a stiff straw, you can't get all the water out of the bottle...LOL

It's alright to just be "okay"

Well, I lost my battle today, but not the war! I had a mini-manic episode where I threw shoes and my husbands hat around, snarling and huffing out the harshest argument I could come up with. The entire thing started over his double-standards when it comes to our budget. Instead of my usual, several hours long break-down, today it was condensed into a 45 minute burst of anger. It stopped when my husband went upstairs, crawling into the bed for a nap...and I ended up crawling into his arms for an hour. Afterwards, I did the sensible, yet selfish, thing; instead of letting him 'win', I dug out my spare change, went to the bank, got my money and spent it on myself. That's right. I was selfish for once and I love myself all the more for it.

I digress (just a little); for therapy, I was asked to come up with a 'happy list'. Things to do that help me avoid manic or depressive states. On this list, Subway is pretty high up there, because I can eat it and feel very little guilt about what I'm putting in my body. So I wanted to go treat myself today..

All of this, though, is okay. I remembered my wonderful DBT skills (Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder By Linehan, Marsha M.), got myself into a better state of mind, and now I'm going to finish out my day. I plan on running to the store to pick up some tanning lotion, shave me legs and then go on to the pool and lay out in the sun until the hubs joins me after work for a quick swim before dinner!

P.S. To ANYONE reading this who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies By Elliott, Charles H./ Smith, Laura L., Ph.D.), always remember one key thing: Just because you feel those strong emotions doesn't mean you have to act on them =) I know it's hard...and I failed a little today, but that's alright! One day at a time. Just. One. Never more than that!

Yuck

So today I wanted to share this with you. See that disaster? That is all the laundry that I've left un-done for the past several weeks. My 'give-a-damn' was jammed in the off position, but with some help from both my husband and my therapist, I've managed to switch it back on. So today I'm going to spend the day curled up on the couch, watching Doctor Who between loads of ...that...evil mess.

I'd also like to inform the general reading public that I finally had a manic-break down this morning after not being able to fall asleep. 48 hours of being awake sorta sucks and I finally lost my temper and started punching the wall. It took a good 45 minutes for me to reign myself back in. And of course my being awake a fussy effected the hubs..my noise, tossing and turning and general bad mood woke him. And in the end, karma bit my in the rump; Something, and I'm almost certain it was my birth-control, made me sick to my stomach. I'll just say...that I ended up hugging the toilet and leave it at that. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep AFTER James left for work, and not getting out of the bed until he came back on lunch-break. Ugh. Now I'm up, on my feet and feeling much better!

A Dose of Fail

-_- So....Let me recap this week quickly. I've been sick. Went to the ER and was diagnosed with having a BAD virus running rampant in my body. The doctor gave me five different medications, all of which require being taken multiple times a day, spaced out properly to avoid overdose and to keep the medicine in me constantly. This means....sleep even though the drugs are making me tired! Tap in with James and I being at each others throats almost every day. This came to a head last night. We were screaming so much (Well, he was screaming, I was squeaking...I still sound like a chipmunk, but my voice is finally coming back) that one of our neighbors came over to see if she could help us out (she's super motherly), and the other ended up calling Security Forces. Mind you, SF never actually came to our house; They sat in their car across from our house, listening and watching. Thankfully, we gave them no reason to intervene.

The worst parts of this? A) My 4 month old marriage is already suffering and B) We were not mindful of our neighbors who both have small children. Now I feel like a rude putz.

Well, that basically sums this up. I suppose I should stop procrastinating (though I do it so very well) and take care of the neglected house work (I didn't realize how messy this house would get within just a few days) since my husband won't help me/do it himself. It's 9:34 AM and I haven't been to bed yet.....=\

[breathe] Just a few more days until I go back to NC for Christmas. The first thing I am going to do is go HOME and hug my sweet dog who's been pining for me.

Love & Hate

Yesterday sucked. I’ve quite possibly got pneumonia, and my husband comes home from work and what do we do? Automatically start bickering. This exploded into a huge fight…and ended up with both of us in tears. After things settled down and we went to sleep for the night (We did not and will not talk about yesterday), he mumbled “Can you hold me?” So I did, until he fell asleep. After that, I rolled over to read my kindle…and next thing I know, he’s got both arms around me and his head on my boobs. What a dork. We might hate each other some days…but we’ll always love each other. 

Today Is the Day

Day 1 (30 Day Challenge)

My names is Jessica. Jessa, Jess or Jessie for short.
I’m 20 years old and recently married.
I’ve got an adorable german shepherd puppy named Leia.
I don’t like where I’m living currently and can’t wait to move. 
I recently put myself on a diet & started to exercise.
I’m a anti-social book worm who likes to play video games.
I also enjoy writing letters and have several penpals =) 

Alright, so now to tell you....that I got up and did another round of "Couch to 5k". And I hate to say it, but I almost didn't make it =( I think I might drop having 'down days'. I know that's not healthy, but I feel like my lungs need to be worked every day, if that makes any sense. I have NO idea what my weight currently is, though I plan on going to the gym with my husband soon just to find out (Or maybe the doctors office...). Anyway, today was a pretty level kind of day. I have a few things to take care of today; Leia has an appointment at the vets office, the floors need sweeping & the up stairs bathroom needs to be cleaned. After that (And dinner later on) I plan on doing a wholeeee bunch of nothing. 

The Talk

I don't know why it is, but any time my husband and I have serious topics that need to be discussed, we head for the shower. I guess it's because we're so much calmer, and it's pretty hard to get mad at someone when you're butt ass naked with them.
    I've been wanting to talk to my husband about something pretty important to me, so when he decided to get into the shower after work yesterday, I climbed in after him, picking my words carefully. When I asked "What do you think about me being a firefighter in the future?", he did not hesitate. James told me that he both likes and dislikes the idea. Dislike, because it's a dangerous job, we'd not be round each other that much anymore, and he'd have to step up and help with the house work. Because I'd have the more physically demanding job, he'd probably end up doing MOST of it. He did say that the extra income would be nice to have, though. We mulled things over for a while before I asked the next question; "Do you like my being a housewife?". The look on his face was priceless. It was one of those moments where he thought it was a loaded question, where I ask one thing but it really means something else. I started laughing and told him to just answer honestly, the question is what it is and I was just looking for his opinion. He loves having a housewife. he can come home after work and sit on the couch, doing practically nothing. He's spoiled, pampered and likes knowing that everything is taken care of. After telling me all of this though, he voiced one more statement on both topics; "You do what makes you happy. That's all I want. You. Happy."

     So now I'm at a loss. I WANT to be a firefighter/emt. I have for years, ever since the military denied my contract. I have so much ambition and drive....but at the same time I've got to take my husbands wants and needs into consideration. The fact that we're a military family also has to come into play. I want children soon...And I think the base fire departments are all military run. There are SO many factors that come in to play with this. I think I'm going to go to the "Airman and Family Readiness Center" and see what they might be able to help me with. If ANYONE knows the answer to the bold/underlined question, can you PLEASE send me an email at unholyxombie@gmail.com ? 

Unacceptable.

When your wife is pissed off, you do not go down stairs and cut on the xbox and plug in your headset. When you've upset someone you care about, you're suppose to try and make the situation better, not say "There is nothing I can do about it!" and walk off. Being inconsiderate is what made me mad in the first place, repeating the offence just hammers the last nail into the coffin lid.

In the past few months, my husband has made me regret getting married more times than I can count. I don't believe in divorce unless there are outstanding circumstances, so I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and keep pressing on. I thought 20 would be an acceptable age to marry someone, after being in a relationship with them for almost five years. I was, apparently, quite wrong.

Here is to hoping that things get better. Or that I drop dead of some mysterious ailment. Whichever comes first.

My Marriage or My Dreams?

I find myself in a sticky situation. I've come to the point where I want to start getting myself back into shape, down another 35 (ish) pounds and toned...I want to strengthen my lungs & heart (I mean this literally). My reason why isn't for vain purposes like so many others I see on tumblr (I'm not bashing you ladies, I promise, I'm glad you want bodies you can be proud of). For the past three years, after I found out I couldn't enlist in the military, I decided to go to my back up plan; I'd be a firefighter, and some day be a battalion chief. But then...I got married. See, for those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military. Right now, I'm a stay at home wife. My hopes and dreams took a back seat when I moved away from home. We've got one car between the two of us. That makes finding a job pretty hard. It makes going to college even harder. Especially because I'm terrified to drive off base (Big city traffic & roads confuse me, as does getting on the highway, which I would have to do to go to the community college up here). On one hand, I'm dying inside because I'm letting myself down. On the other hand, I'm terrified to even TRY because I don't want my relationship to fall to pieces (For those of you that are all "Oh it won't. If he loves you, he'll support you, keep reading). A military relationship in itself is stressful. Tack in another high stress job with wonky hours, and you've got a recipe for disaster. All of my female friends up here (Some married with kids, some married without) know how I feel and agree that it would be a hard thing to do...And I've semi-tried to talk to my husband about it, but I need to make up my own mind first. 

Hatred is simple...

Getting along with someone, however, is the hard part.

The last few months have been a whirl-wind of insanity. No...more like a hurricane. Good and intense. See, I've been in a relationship with a certain individual for a little over four and a half years now. It's been up...and down. Mostly down, though. We don't get a long sometimes, and fight a lot. But that's alright...because it's just how both of us operate. See, both of us were brought up in dysfunctional families....and you know what they say..."You love in the way that you are taught to love..." And in my family, love=hate...

Anyway, this person that I'm with...is in the military. He enlisted in 2008, a year and a half after we started dating...so we've been in a long distance relationship since then. Earlier this year, he was deployed...and when he came back, we decided to try and find a place where we could live...Er...wait...let me try that one again...

                             That plan failed. I'm more from the country and moving into the big ol' city scared me so damn bad. So rather than live out in DC...my boyfriend & I decided..."Fuck it, let's get married and live on base..."

And that's how my marriage started. And ever since then...through the process of moving up here, getting our house on base and acquiring junk to put in said house....we've had so many fights and arguments that it's made me....feel right at home. Our relationship is just how it's always been, and to me, that's a good thing.
Why is it, though, that being so mad at him is  so easy?